When “Permission” Is a Trap: How Emotional Manipulation Masquerades as Freedom
Sometimes emotional abuse doesn’t start with shouting or slamming doors. Sometimes, it starts with a quiet, “Sure, go ahead.” That’s the kind of toxic manipulation my husband endured in a past relationship, a relationship where control wore the mask of consent.
His ex-girlfriend would tell him that he could go out and spend time with his friends, like any partner in a healthy relationship might. Once he was out, the phone would start blowing up. Call after call, text after text laced with accusations, yelling, and guilt trips. She’d accuse him of being with other women, cuss him out, and demand he come home. It was never really about trust. It was about control.
This kind of behavior isn’t just immature, it’s abusive. It plays a cruel game with someone’s peace of mind. The abuser offers permission, then punishes them for taking it, creating a no-win situation that erodes confidence and autonomy over time.
What’s even more heartbreaking is how normal this started to feel for him. He’d try to manage the outbursts, avoid conflict, and apologize even when he hadn’t done anything wrong just to keep the peace. That’s the toll emotional abuse takes: it trains you to walk on eggshells, to shrink yourself so you don’t trigger their next explosion.
As his wife now, I’ve watched him unlearn those old patterns, patterns that made him doubt his own judgment and freedom. Knowing what he’s been through has made me even more committed to creating a relationship where respect and trust are non-negotiable.
For anyone who’s been in a similar situation, please know:
Permission isn’t love. Guilt isn’t intimacy. Control isn’t care.
Healthy relationships don’t punish you for living your life.
