Rise Up From The Ashes: Just “Let Them…”

Sis, your voice matters. You matter. So, let them…

Telling your story isn’t easy, and the fear of rejection or invalidation can be overwhelming.

Thoughts of, “who is going to shame me for speaking out,” or “what if everyone gets upset with me” are the voices that whispered the loudest in my head. But you know what?

Let them.

Let them be mad.

Let them deny your reality.

Let them walk away.

Let them criticize.

Let them shift blame.

Let them misunderstand you.

Let them be judgmental.

Let them twist stories.

Just let them…

I spent years of my life trying to figure out which mask was the right one to wear, how to act, what to like, or how to be successful enough in life to earn my parents approval. I finally realized that nothing I did really made a difference.

I always thought they were just hard to please, but I realize now that they weren’t hard to please, they just weren’t pleased with me. I was the scapegoated child. I was the child that ruined lives, was too difficult, hard to love, and the bad influence. Trying to explain my feelings to my mom was usually followed by, “well, I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “you shouldn’t feel that way,” “youre being ridiculous,” “youre so selfish.” My dad usually just told me that I was, “too hormonal, sensitive, or dramatic.” Eventually, he would tell me I was a “worthless POS,” and ruined his life.

Not knowing how to cope, I fought my own demons by engaging in unhealthy friendships, toxic romantic relationships, drugs and alcohol.

That was my coping mechanism.

Numb the pain.

Between the ages of 12-14, I felt so strongly that I didn’t belong here and attempted to un-alive myself.

Through adulthood I found myself in an endless cycle of toxic relationships that were founded on love bombing, lying, cheating, coercion, shaming, projection, gaslighting, and verbal and physical abuse. In every relationship , the toxic cycle repeated itself. Always a new face, same toxic cycle.

After a 10 year marriage with my ex, I finally had enough. Again, I wanted to un-alive myself because the pain was too deep. The name calling escalated, rejection, invalidation, the coercive control became a daily occurrence, I walked on eggshells always tiptoeing around my words and my actions. I was emotionally dysregulated and didn’t know how to express my feelings. Expressing my feeling resulted in him yelling, then I would stone wall or yell back. I tried confiding in others, depleating them of their peace. I was encountering non-stop criticism and belittling, and I just wanted to make it all stop. I lived in fear. I made myself small in his presence. I felt shame and guilt for being so “stupid and incompetent.”

I couldn’t do a damn thing right!

So, at the end of my rope, after trying everything imaginable to appease him, I reached out for help. I made my first appointment with my therapist. It was through therapy that I learned about narcissism, trauma, and complex PTSD.

Yes, I had CPTSD. No surprise there.

I learned how toxic my parents were, and I cut them off. I learned how toxic and dangerous my marriage was, and I left. Early in my healing journey, I began classes at Southern New Hampshire University as a psychology major working towards degree in psychology with a concentration in forensics. I am currently working on my masters degree.

Today however, I’m married to a wonderful man and my life is full of peace and promise. Because of this, I have made it my mission to share my story, educate and empower others, and assist those in need of healing or direction. It is so important for you to know that:

Healing is possible.

You can reclaim your life.

You can have peace, AND YOU DESERVE IT.

If you’d like to share your story, I encourage you to please visit my website, click CONNECT and send me your story. I’ll share with you what I’ve learned, along with some coping skills and resources. With your permission, I’ll include your story in one of my blogs, but I will never reveal any identifying information about you or those involved.

Getting the word out has never been so important. Let’s start healing, reclaiming our lives, take back our power, and empower others by sharing our stories so they will know that they are not alone.